Entry 14: October 16th, Hope in Grief

You lose so much more than your loved one when they die. I recently tried explaining this in Amador’s 15 year parole hearing… doing my best to convince the parole board that 15 years of prison was not enough. I requested they deny parole for the maximum number of years, which in the state ofContinue reading “Entry 14: October 16th, Hope in Grief”

Entry 13: The Music of September

It has been 9 months since I last shared pages from my journal. Grief, though always with me, visits with all of it’s wrath in September. Usually I begin to feel it around the beginning of September, during my birthday. My sister forgot to call me on my birthday the year she died. She calledContinue reading “Entry 13: The Music of September”

Entry 12: Amazing Grace

The day of the burial the funeral home was overflowing with people. Friends, family, co-workers, teachers, classmates stood in the hallways, overflow rooms, and even outside on the lawn. My family sat there in the first row and waited for the service to begin, still in disbelief of what happened—this was my 18-year-old sister’s funeral.Continue reading “Entry 12: Amazing Grace”

Entry 11: Words Hurt

My Dad would choose who would carry my sister’s casket. Something no one really thinks about until it is time to bury a loved one. However, perhaps we should think about who would carry our casket when we die. Maybe if we decide this prior then there would be one less argument. Probably not though,Continue reading “Entry 11: Words Hurt”

Entry 7: Undergarments

Later that week, my Dad asked me to help him at the funeral home. We had to pick a casket. I went but I don’t remember helping. Jay I think felt obligated to go wherever I went, so he was going to be a part of this horrible day as well. A man welcomed usContinue reading “Entry 7: Undergarments”

Entry 5: Unstable

For the first few years after Christina passed I thought for sure I was going crazy. I remember wondering do people who actual go insane feel they are going insane before they end up insane? If you have ever reached this kind of low then you understand… if not then I pray you never do.Continue reading “Entry 5: Unstable”

Entry 4: September 29th, Captive

My hope that the body wasn’t my sister’s didn’t last long. My mom and dad walked in shortly after I read the newspaper. My mom didn’t really “walk in”, she was more carried in, my dad on one side of her and my uncle on the other side. Her feet dragging behind her as theyContinue reading “Entry 4: September 29th, Captive”

Entry 3: September 28-29th, The Ride

As, my roommates packed my clothes and I laid on my bathroom floor I didn’t know the pain I was feeling would only be a small piece of what was to come. I didn’t know a stolen life would cause a different pain which no one would understand. I didn’t know the crying wouldn’t stopContinue reading “Entry 3: September 28-29th, The Ride”

Entry 2: September 28th, Gone

The following day was Sunday, September 28th. The day the police officer found my sister while on his routine patrol of the area- a day too late. I wonder, what made him look in the field that day but no one looked the day before? Do the Oregon police officers normally patrol this abandoned field?Continue reading “Entry 2: September 28th, Gone”

Entry 1: September 26-27th, The Feeling

The night my sister went missing, September 26, 2003. I felt something was wrong, something with my sister. Correction: I knew something was wrong because I could feel it in my soul- my sister calling out to me. When I’ve shared this ‘feeling’ with people they will often look at me with part pity andContinue reading “Entry 1: September 26-27th, The Feeling”