Entry 16: Sentencing letter

After that first court appearance, I never went back to the courtroom. I think of this when people say, “you’re so strong”, I was not. I am not. When my sister was a baby, I was about 4 years old, I remember crawling in her crib and I would place my finger right under herContinue reading “Entry 16: Sentencing letter”

Entry 15: Not Guilty

To the reader: Some of you, who have gone through a similar experience as mine, have asked what to expect in the courtroom. This was my experience and it was my last because I didn’t think my body or mind would have been able to handle another courtroom visit. I don’t think anything can trulyContinue reading “Entry 15: Not Guilty”

Entry 14: October 16th, Hope in Grief

You lose so much more than your loved one when they die. I recently tried explaining this in Amador’s 15 year parole hearing… doing my best to convince the parole board that 15 years of prison was not enough. I requested they deny parole for the maximum number of years, which in the state ofContinue reading “Entry 14: October 16th, Hope in Grief”

Entry 13: The Music of September

To the reader: It has been 9 months since I last shared pages from my journal. Grief, though always with me, visits with all of it’s wrath in September. Usually I begin to feel it around the beginning of September, during my birthday. My sister forgot to call me on my birthday the year sheContinue reading “Entry 13: The Music of September”

Entry 12: Amazing Grace

The day of the burial the funeral home was overflowing with people. Friends, family, co-workers, teachers, classmates stood in the hallways, overflow rooms, and even outside on the lawn. My family sat there in the first row and waited for the service to begin, still in disbelief of what happened—this was my 18-year-old sister’s funeral.Continue reading “Entry 12: Amazing Grace”

Entry 11: Words Hurt

My Dad would choose who would carry my sister’s casket. Something no one really thinks about until it is time to bury a loved one. However, perhaps we should think about who would carry our casket when we die. Maybe if we decide this prior then there would be one less argument. Probably not though,Continue reading “Entry 11: Words Hurt”

Entry 9: Triggers

I knew it would be hard when I first saw Christina’s body at the funeral home. I didn’t know seeing her would result in triggers for the years to come… even 16 years later. My parents had a private viewing before anyone else came to the funeral home. The funeral home workers walked us intoContinue reading “Entry 9: Triggers”

Entry 8: Like a Plague

Tragedy- it makes people uncomfortable, no one wants to feel sad. After my sister was murdered, I think those in our community, in our church, and even in our family avoided us because they didn’t want to be sad. I also think we were avoided because they didn’t want to feel guilt. I understood, allContinue reading “Entry 8: Like a Plague”

Entry 7: Undergarments

Later that week, my Dad asked me to help him at the funeral home. We had to pick a casket. I went but I don’t remember helping. Jay I think felt obligated to go wherever I went, so he was going to be a part of this horrible day as well. A man welcomed usContinue reading “Entry 7: Undergarments”