I was angry and I hated my home, my family, my friends… I hated my new reality.
In the next long few years after my sister’s death, I made a series of bad decisions. I quit my job in New York. I moved to Baltimore. I got married to a man I knew I shouldn’t marry – and then I didn’t tell anyone about getting married for months. I lived in a city away from all of my friends and family, with a man who didn’t treat me the way I should have been treated.
You would think, maybe, I just didn’t know better… but I did. I actually remember someone telling me, “You shouldn’t make any major life decisions for the next few years since you went through something traumatic”, but I felt that was exactly what I wanted to do, maybe even what I needed to do to survive.
I wanted to throw myself into anything that would help me forget. I wanted to be isolated so no one could tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. I wanted to be alone in a city where no one knew me. I wanted to find something I could put ALL of myself in so there was no time for me to be anywhere else. It was the only way I felt I could stay out of the grief pit that kept trying to swallow me.
I was setting myself up for failure. I’m sure my family and friends saw it as me self-destructing. My 22-28 year old self didn’t know this but my behavior was common in grief. Looking back at this time in my life, those bad decisions kept me moving, they kept me alive and from sinking into a deep depression.
I wouldn’t encourage anyone to make these “bad decisions” because a big part of my life was missed and in the end I allowed death and Amador to steal more than my sister’s life, he also took mine.
Despite my bad decisions, God’s plans were greater. Somehow, through all of my bad decisions, He was able to make something good.
I did end up getting a divorce from my first husband, but that marriage led me to Florida – which led me to my soulmate, a man I couldn’t even dream of because I didn’t know he existed.
I did end up throwing myself into a new career in Baltimore, but that led me to a life changing field of work and through my work I’ve impacted hundreds of lives.
I didn’t make many friends after Christina died, but that led me to keep alive the friendships I had and to cherish my few and new friends with all of my heart.
I did lose relationships with some of my family members – uncles, aunts, and even a grandmother. Some family members I’m not sure why they have chosen to stay away, sometimes I think maybe they feel guilty for how they treated Christina and maybe I remind them of her. Others, like my grandmother on the Deal’s side of the family, have expressed they were hurt by how I distanced myself. Despite apologizing for my actions and asking for a second chance I wasn’t given one and my grandmother still hasn’t allowed me back in her life.
I have cried for years over these relationships, but I have also learned to give myself grace. I was a young adult when I distanced myself- I was traumatized, and barely holding myself together let alone sustaining any other relationship. When I realized what I had done, it was too late to repair many relationships but I also learned the people who wanted to be in my life were still there.
It still hurts though. I wish I could say it didn’t but if I’m being truthful feeling unwanted or abandoned by someone you love makes the deepest part of your heart ache. The best way to explain it is to think of a dog being dropped off on the side of a road by his life long owners and then imagine the dog watching the car drive away without him, the dog wondering if they will come back, and then the dog realizing he is alone- his family left him. If you can imagine that then you’ll understand the heart ache abandonment brings…unfortunately, many people in their grief journey also experience this pain.
So how would God make this good?
Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he could. I didn’t get my answer until Christina’s son, my nephew, became more like a son than a nephew. I began to understand why I needed to deeply understand grace and being unconditionally loved – because I needed to give it to him.
I believe I am able to give my nephew love that only a parent can give their child- it is unconditional- no matter what he does, I will love him, I will choose him, I will be there for him, I will alway put him before myself, I will never ever abandon him.
I am able to give him grace, grace that maybe I wouldn’t have been able to give if I didn’t understand how important it was at his age. Grace that I hope will help him learn true love, patience, and kindness.
Through my heart ache, I will give him a gift. Only God could create such a blessing in such pain.
To the reader: I hope you too one day can find the good and the gifts in your pain. I used to hate when someone would say this to me – honestly, I still don’t like when someone says this. I’m not sure why – maybe because the way they would try to express this would come across as, “God has a plan” and I would think my sister being murdered is NOT God’s plan. Her murder was a result of evil in this world and God’s plan for that evil was to gift us life after death where we can see our loved ones again.
I think what people meant though when they said “God has a plan” was that one day not only will we see our loved ones again but He will take the evil and bad things that happen to us and somehow make them good.
September 28th 